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Editing creative writing (Example)

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THE RESURRECTION It was a chilly morning in the city of Melbourne. Being a Monday the young and the old were already up to attend to the demands of nature. School children were seen moving hastily to their various academic institutions. The road was busy as usual with passengers mostly public servants school children and University students traveling to their various destinations. “We are already a couple of minutes late!” A course voice of the driver with an Asian accent cut through the silence among the anxious crowd standing. This was followed by a scramble revealing the anxiety that had overwhelmed the crowd. Month! What a misfortune! David who was holding his school bag quickly got into the vehicle blocking an old man who was just about to board the vehicle. The man almost fell on the ground but who could care? Who could spoil the week for being of appreciating his status as a person. He had suffered a humiliation from both his friends and his classmates who had always left him bitter and disappointed about himself. He had once attempted to commit suicide only to be caught by his aunt. He also came to learn about the importance of accepting his race and consider it as worthy as other races in spite of the humiliation. His aunt was surprised at the glitter on his face when he arrived at home that evening. It was the time to share his newly found joy with the family. He narrated how his psychology teacher had helped him overcome his worries and fears. Indeed the guiding and counseling had been a remedy for the wound that had been inflicted into his life. He had begun a new page of life. Indeed in this particular evening everything seemed new to him. [...]

Order Description:

Comment of the teacher your opening paragraph is fabulously engaging! Your narrator has a formal, dry and sarcastic tone that instantly draws the reader into your story. Try to keep your tone consistent (matching) by choosing formal words, like “Australian” instead of “Aussie”. It’s also important to use words that are familiar to the reader even if they are not as formal. For example, “conductor” doesn’t make sense to me. I wouldn’t consider a bus driver a “conductor”. To me, that is someone who helps people and sells them tickets on the bus, which we don’t really have this days in Australia, as everything is automated. It’s awesome that your using onomatopoeia (words that imitate sounds), but you need to make sure they are clear to the reader. You can do this by choosing familiar onomatopoeia (e.g. “honk” for car horns or “vroom” for speeding car) or explicitly say what sound your referring to (e.g. “Mnnnh,” people moaned as they squeezed onto the bus’, or ‘the bus screeched as it pulled up to the stop. Rrrrrrrrrrr!’) Overall, your language was beautifully expressive and clear. The main area for improvement is narrative structure. Your story should begin by revealing the central conflict of the story, build tension towards a climax and then provide a resolution. In your beginning, you revealed the problem of David’s struggle with internalised racism and unease about his Vietnamese identity, however you didn’t reveal the problem of his gendered identity or relationship with his father. By the time you revealed these problems, they were already being solved, so there was no build-up tension. You could resolve this issue by extending your story, showing more David’s insecurity about his gender in the scene with his friends, and then showing more of his discussion with Mrs Ingrid. It seems strange that such a big transformation is brought in single discussion with a teacher. You need to show more of their relationship, why it is meaningful, why David felt he could open up for the first time in his life at that moment, and why that was such a revelation. you also need to clarify David’s gender identity. Are people generally confused about his gender and don’t know whether to categorise him as a boy or girl? Does he feel like he is “gender diverse” or “non-binary” ( doesn’t belong to either gender), or does he identify as a man/boy? How does his aunt view his gender identity? What does his mother think, and why is he not living with his mother? The final thing to consider is your title. “The New Dawn” sounds very stars wars to me. As you develop your story, try to identify an important image or symbol you can use as your title.

Subject Area: Other

Document Type: Lab Report

This project has already been completed by one of the Studybay experts. The client rated this project:

Project's rating is 5/5

Price $10

Words 275

Pages 1

Completed in 2 days

Expert Rann

Client Review

Excellent writter. did on time

Positive
06.26.2017

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